Pastor..Please answer these Questions!!!

Members in our churches are pleading with their pastors to answer many theological questions that are at the fore-front of  our S.B.C.Here are some of their questions.

1.What is this “Landmarkism”that Les Puryear and others are blogging about? Answer….The term Landmark is used to describe and define the church field(territory)of one’s geographical area.Other ministers are not allowed to visit in your church field.It is “Landmarked.”

2.Where in the Bible does it say who a pastor should perform a wedding ceremony for?Answer..Jude.3:1-6.

3.Is the wine mentioned in the N.T.real wine or grape juice?If it is grape juice,why did Paul tell Tmothy to drink just a little of it.Why couldn’t Timothy drink maybe 4 to six ounces like they have in energy drinks?

Answer…Wine in the N.T. was “Welches grape juice.”The reason Paul told Timothy to drink just a little juice was because money was tight and he was teaching Timothy to be frugal.

4.What is meant by “Adam’s fall”in the garden of Eden.What happened to Adam?Answer…There are two distinct,different opinions about what happened to Adam in the S.B.C.

(Southwestern seminary.)..When Adam fell,he “sprained”his spiritual ankel.He was partially depraved.

(Southern Seminary)When Adam fell,he “broke”his spiritual neck.He was totally depraved.

5.What is meant by the term “unpardonable”sin in the Bible.Answer..that is describing the sin of divorced and remarried believers.They can sing in the choir,teach Sunday school and tithe but they are still considered second class christians with a little(c).

6.What qualifies a man to be elected as a deacon in the average S.B church?Answer..First of all he must be a man with male genitals.He must be at least 21 and come to church at least two sundays a month.If he is on vacation at a camp ground..he can bring back a church bulletin proving that he attended a brief worship service.

7.Please share with me an example of a “church split.”

R.B.Jones had this conversation with a host minister at a conference.”Well pastor,How is your church getting on?””Oh,I’ve had trouble.Some members have split and formed a new church.”

“Never mind,several of our ministers have had that trouble.”Yes,but that’s not all.The new church has split again and one group bought a hut.Then they had a quarrel and one part meets in a cottage.Last Sunday one man seperated from them and was seen breaking bread(landmarker) on his own.”

“Poor fellow!The lord help him if he has a split.He will need a post-mortem!”

8.What is the differnce between a hyper-Calvinist and a regular Calvinist?

Answer..A hyper-Calvinist is a Calvinist who admits to believing what all Calvinists believe.

A regular Calvinist is a hyper-Calvinist trying to convince non-Calvinists that he doesn’t believe what all Calvinists believe.

Explore posts in the same categories: Deacons..who and what?, Definitions, Pastors and deacons, Questions for pastors, satire, SC Baptist convention, Stories-illustrations

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8 Comments on “Pastor..Please answer these Questions!!!”

  1. Les Puryear Says:

    LOL! 🙂

    Thanks, Bill. I needed that today.


  2. pastorinthewoods Says:

    Another classic hottub way of saying things.

  3. chadwick Says:


    Jude 3:1-6 really convinced me; I will preach on that passage the next time Calvary invites me to Baptist Mens Day! 😆


  4. Stuart Housotn Says:


    As you know, I have often frowned upon your “satire” and “humor”. However, my wife just asked me what in the world was so funny as she heard me laughing out loud as I lay in the bed surfing the web. I would have to say that the take on Southern/SWBTS views on the fall of Adam absolutley hurt me I laughed so hard! Very nice Hottub, very nice.


  5. Quinn Hooks Says:

    LOL thx for the laugh today, Bill!

  6. Greg Says:

    By the way, both SBTS and SWBTS seem to be wrong…afterall we are described before conversion as DEAD, not limping or even possibly paralyzed.
    On a not so serious note, Bill, this was grand. I will be reviewing a laughing/crying for days if not weeks to come.
    Greg Bailey

  7. JLFuller Says:

    An SBC member and Baptist Seminsary grad tells me that a facet of being a Baptist is that if you get out of sorts with one church you can just start up your own. That is why there are so many variations of the SBC , American Baptist and, I suppose, others. Wuddyathink?

  8. I think he is right.

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