’s over…Please retire…. When????

Vance Havner used to say,”There is no fool like an old fool.” We preachers hate to step aside,but may I share a few hints that tell’s time to go…when…

1.When the church “cuts”your pay.

2.When folks going out the door say,”that was a good text” though for years they had said,”That sermon was just what I needed.”

3.When you attend a homecoming at  a former church and say to someone,”Now who are you?” Then you say,”who am I?”and “Where is the bath room?”

4.When on Sunday morning before the message,you go to the rest room to make water 30 times.

5.When on Sunday morning you go to the men’s room and stand for 10 minutes trying to make water.

6.When no matter how hard you shake or how hard you squeeze that last drop goes down you knees.

7.When you knock over the glass of water sitting on the pulpit.

8.When after a funeral service,you get lost on the way to the cemetary.

9.When you call church members Brother and Sister because you can’t remember their names.

10.When kids that cry in church no longer bother you because you can’t see them or hear them.

11.When you fall asleep at the Deacon’s meeting and they let you sleep.

12.When your sermon is so boring,you go to sleep.

13.When your wife hears a 35 year old Fruitland graduate preach and says to you,”When you were young you could preach that good.”

14.When you get dressed for church on Sunday and discover it’s Sat.

15.When you forget to recognize those who have birthdays and fail to have them come up and put an offering in the “minature church”on the communion table.

16.When you attempt to tell a funny story and hear “nervous laughter.”

17.When you cut the grass in your yard,wearing a suit and tie.

18.When you open your Bible to preach on Sunday and realize all you have are “last weeks”notes.

19.When you pray before the offering is taken,”Lord,thank you for this food and lead,guide and direct us.”

20 .When you can no longer recognize the people sitting on the back pew or the front pew.

21.When after making several visits to the shut-ins,you notice that your pants have been un-zipped all day.Now you know why people have been laughing at you all day.

22.When you sit with one of your church members on the front steps of the nursing home and you fall asleep.

Go home and start a web sight.Call it “Hot tub Religion”or something like that and watch re-runs of Gun smoke.Don’t bother telling me that Matt and Miss Kiity are dead.They left Dodge,got married and are now under the witness protection program.

I have more to say,but I have to go to the rest room..Now where is that room???

Explore posts in the same categories: Church seeking Pastor, Insecure pastors, Retirement, satire

2 Comments on “’s over…Please retire…. When????”

  1. chadwick Says:


    We’re speechless! 8)


  2. pastorinthewoods Says:

    WOW! That was a good one

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: