Church Ad For Pastor

Baptist Courier

Part time Pastor for a city centered Baptist church.We need an “Acts chapters 1-7 man of God.”Please send your resume and sermon…..

I can’t help but wonder..Why not an Acts.1-28 Pastor?Why just Acts.1-7.

When this Pastor shows up offerings or deaths will surely increase.Acts.5.

All of the Spiritual gifts will be in operation(could cause problems with SBC).

When he comes,I want to meet him.

Some time ago there was another ad for a pastor:

We want a young man with many years of experience.

We prefer that he have one blue eye and one brown eye.

It would be to his advantage if he parted his hair down the middle and on the side.

Please be prepared to visit often and spend all of your time in the study.

We ask that you be active with the youth in all programs and involved actively with our senior citizens.Weekly and monthly meetings and annual trips to “Dolly World.”

Helpful if you dress nicely and drive a new car(though income is limited).

We want a Pastor who will just “love”us as we are..not as he wants us to be.We need a healing ministry from our last Pastor.

Our church likes “hard”preaching that does not offend anyone.

We are adament and in agreement that our pastor should be deadly serious with a wonderful sense of humor.

You may preach as long as you like but we go home at 12 sharp.Please turn the lights out as you leave.

When you come to preach your trial sermon we will have a bed for you in our “Prophets Chamber”located in an old Sunday School class room in the social hall.We ask that you abstain from any intimate relationships with your spouse on that night.

Now you need to know that we are not prejudiced but we do not believe the races ought to mix.It’s O.K.for the coloured children to come to VBS but not the Hispanics.We can’t understand what they are saying and they may be sent here from Osoma Ben Laden.

Our congregation consists of both Calvinists and Arminiains.Pastor is expected to preach that Christ died for the Elect and for everybody.We are called  “Calvminians.”

Please know up-front that we don’t allow divorced men to serve as Deacons(the unpardonable sin).They can give their tithes and take up the offering,but thats about it.We go by the King James Bible that the Apostle Paul used.

Women can speak in church but not behind the “Sacred”desk,and only with permission from their husbands and Pastor.

Our motto is,in our church..everybody(well most)is somebody and Jesus Christ is Lord.

After your trial sermon the Deacons would like to take you and your family out to eat at a nice resturant(Dutch Treat).

We will vote after the service.A two thirds vote is required to call you.However,it only takes a simple majority to dis-miss you.

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7 Comments on “Church Ad For Pastor”

  1. Bob Marcaurelle Says:

    Believe it or not, this is no worse than the 50+ page book our State office gives to search committees. I don’t know 50 pages worth about my wife. BobM

  2. tony Bertrand Says:

    It is strange that churches make all these qualifications then ask God to send the man He wants but that person must meet the churhces qualifications, I keep figuring out how God can work

  3. jeff ward Says:

    It amazes me that most churches have higher qualifications for their pastor than does the Word of God. I think that a man should use all the opportunities to learn that are available to him. Most of the time when a man come out of “seminary”, he believes less of the Word of God, relies on his own abilities, forgets about the Holy Spirit, and negelects prayer altogether.

    Most churches would not have let Paul ,Peter, or even the Lord Jesus pastor their “flock”.

  4. Greg Bailey Says:

    I for one am different. Seminary taught me just how much I didn’t know.
    And still don’t.
    Greg

  5. Jeff Holt Says:

    I’m amazed at the churches who tell a prospective pastor, “we are seeking a man of God”. Heres another real good one, ” a pastor who will abide by the bylaws set by our deacons” and or “elders”

    Hello!!! I want to say! I don’t consider myself a man of God, rather a God called man.
    “bylaws set by our deacons…” I am not even going to go there.

    In my little opinion, too many churches seem concerned about what someone might think of their pastor’s past life, and not seeking to be a witness to the DIVORCED,
    (Yes I said it!) and so many others in life situations that himself went to!
    I’ll give up my soap box now.
    In Christ

  6. Jeff Holt Says:

    I’m amazed at the churches who tell a prospective pastor, “we are seeking a man of God”. Heres another real good one, ” a pastor who will abide by the bylaws set by our deacons” and or “elders”

    Hello!!! I want to say! I don’t consider myself a man of God, rather a God called man.
    “bylaws set by our deacons…” I am not even going to go there.

    In my little opinion, too many churches seem concerned about what someone might think of their pastor’s past life, and not seeking to be a witness to the DIVORCED,
    (Yes I said it!) and so many others in life situations that Jesus himself went to!
    I’ll give up my soap box now.
    In Christ


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